Saying YES When I Want To Say NO

Saying YES When I Want To Say NO

Have you observed yourself saying yes when you want to say no?

It is common amongst many leaders to say Yes when they want to say No.

It could be at work when your significant client (external or sometimes even internal) says, “this is extremely critical for us; I hope you will put all your efforts into sending this stuff to us in the next ten days.”Or 

If your senior colleague gives you some work on a Friday evening and says, “I would like to see the final output first thing on Monday morning; I hope you are ok with that.”Or

An onshore colleague says, “I am banking on you to take up this extra work as my hands are full. Will you? “

Do these so-called requests ring a bell?

Do you too fall prey to your self-saboteur, which is very fast in saying Yes or who can’t say No 

A lot of my clients say that they say yes because they can’t say NO.

It is a big Myth and one of the survival strategies of this self-saboteur. It is a myth because, even when we say Yes to one thing, we unconsciously say No to another. For example, if you have said Yes to work over the weekend, you might think you are compelled to work as you can’t say no. But in a way, you are saying No to the time you can spend with your kids. You are saying no to the time you can spend with your spouse. You are saying no to yourself for that me-time. Or the time that you can spend on your health. You are saying No to yourself for reading a book you have wanted to read for the last few months.

We DO have the capability to say No

Then why do we say Yes to things we don’t want to do..? Our Values and beliefs determine our decision to say Yes or No. How do Values determine it? We might say that our top values are Achievement, Health, Relationship etc.

But when choosing between the two values, we get to identify our topmost value.

Taking a cue from the great Indian scripture “Mahabharat,” the character of Karna.  

He was known for his value of “Loyalty” towards his friend Duyrodhan and his value of “Generosity/Charity. As the tale goes, there was a time when Lord Indra disguised as a Brahmin Bheekshu and asked for his kavacha( Body Armor) and Kundala(an earing) as Charity. Those Kavach and Kundala were attached to Karna’s body and had the power to protect him from any weapon.

Karna knew that he would die if he gave his divine Kavach and Kundala, and Duyrodhan could lose the war. He still gave away the Kavach and Kundala to Indra and fulfilled his wish.

At that stage, he valued Generosity over Loyalty. 

So, we may have high value for accomplishment, health, and Relationships, but when we have to decide one over the other, our actions/decisions will be governed by what we value the most.

So how does this awareness help us in saying NO?

This awareness can help us at two levels –

Level 1:  It’s a myth that we can’t say No. Because when we have to choose between two values, we say No to at least one.

Level 2: We can slow down and make a mindful choice of what is more significant for us and take complete ownership of our choice. It can make us feel more in control and less like a victim.

Beleifs/Coditionings-

Sometimes, we cannot say No because of societal conditionings or firmly held beliefs.

In India, a lot of leaders prioritize work over personal matters. Several social conditionings are firmly held and are very common across societies.

For example, we have often heard this from our elders “Because of work, we have bread and butter in our house.” 

These carefully held beliefs weaken us without consciously noticing them and make us immediately say Yes.

Our Values and Beliefs make us say Yes or No in various situations of life and if we become aware of what values and beliefs are driving us, we can certainly increase our power to say No when needed.

 Reflection: Think about a time when you recently said Yes to something you didn’t want to do. Which values or beliefs prevented you from saying No?

Have you observed yourself saying yes when you want to say no?

It is common amongst many leaders to say Yes when they want to say No.

It could be at work when your significant client (external or sometimes even internal) says, “this is extremely critical for us; I hope you will put all your efforts into sending this stuff to us in the next ten days.” Or

If your senior colleague gives you some work on a Friday evening and says, “I would like to see the final output first thing on Monday morning; I hope you are ok with that.” An onshore colleague says, “I am banking on you to take up this extra work as my hands are full. Will you? “

Do these so-called requests ring a bell?

Do you too fall prey to your self-saboteur, which is very fast in saying Yes or who can’t say No

A lot of my clients say that they say yes because they can’t say NO.

It is a big Myth and one of the survival strategies of this self-saboteur. It is a myth because, even when we say Yes to one thing, we unconsciously say No to another. For example, if you have said Yes to work over the weekend, you might think you are compelled to work as you can’t say no. But in a way, you are saying No to the time you can spend with your kids. You are saying no to the time you can spend with your spouse. You are saying no to yourself for that me-time. Or the time that you can spend on your health. You are saying No to yourself for reading a book you have wanted to read for the last few months.

 

We DO have the capability to say No

Then why do we say Yes to things we don’t want to do..? Our Values and beliefs determine our decision to say Yes or No. How do Values determine it? We might say that our top values are Achievement, Health, Relationship etc. But when choosing between the two values, we get to identify our topmost value. Taking a cue from the great Indian scripture “Mahabharat,” the character of Karna.

He was known for his value of “Loyalty” towards his friend Duyrodhan and his value of “Generosity/Charity. As the tale goes, there was a time when Lord Indra disguised as a Brahmin Bheekshu and asked for his kavacha( Body Armor) and Kundala(an earing) as Charity. Those Kavach and Kundala were attached to Karna’s body and had the power to protect him from any weapon.

Karna knew that he would die if he gave his divine Kavach and Kundala, and Duyrodhan could lose the war. He still gave away the Kavach and Kundala to Indra and fulfilled his wish. At that stage, he valued Generosity over Loyalty.

So, we may have high value for accomplishment, health, and Relationships, but when we have to decide one over the other, our actions/decisions will be governed by what we value the most.

So how does this awareness help us in saying NO?

This awareness can help us at two levels –

Level 1:  It’s a myth that we can’t say No. Because when we have to choose between two values, we say No to at least one.

Level 2: We can slow down and make a mindful choice of what is more significant for us and take complete ownership of our choice. It can make us feel more in control and less like a victim.

 

Beleifs/Coditionings-

Sometimes, we cannot say No because of societal conditionings or firmly held beliefs.

In India, a lot of leaders prioritize work over personal matters. Several social conditionings are firmly held and are very common across societies.

For example, we have often heard this from our elders “Because of work, we have bread and butter in our house.”

These carefully held beliefs weaken us without consciously noticing them and make us immediately say Yes.

Our Values and Beliefs make us say Yes or No in various situations of life and if we become aware of what values and beliefs are driving us, we can certainly increase our power to say No when needed.

Reflection:

 

Think about a time when you recently said Yes to something you didn’t want to do. Which values or beliefs prevented you from saying No?

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